Road to Forgiveness
by Bannedbookreader
Summary: Kaldur attempts to rebuild his relationship with Red after his undercover mission, but the road to forgiveness is a long one. (Koy. Author notes on my profile)
1. Chapter 1

You wouldn't think knocking on a door would be a difficult thing after the months, almost a year, of lying and doing things that went blatantly against his nature. He was able to destroy Mt. Justice with a push of a button, despite the churning in his stomach. And yet he just couldn't seem to force himself to knock on a door. It seemed ridiculous to him- granted everything about slipping back into his old life seemed ridiculous.

After standing there for what felt like an eternity he finally knocked. There was no strength to it at all, and if Roy hadn't been sitting a few feet away from the door he wouldn't have heard it all. At first he wasn't sure he had, everyone seemed to be respecting his wish of privacy and would usually call ahead before coming over. Amazingly, all it took was the fear of waking a one year old to get people to give you your space.

He wasn't sure who he was expecting when he slowly opened the door, but it wasn't _him_. His heart clenched and one half of him wanted to slam to door shut, while the other wanted to embrace his once best friend. He settled for standing there, staring like a fool. He knew this day was coming but he had really hoped it would be on his own terms.

Kaldur was barely making eye contact, and his usual perfect posture was gone. His throat was dry which made it hard to speak, but it didn't appear Roy was going to say anything first.

"We need to talk…" He wondered if his voice sounded as broken to Roy as it did to himself.

"I'm not sure there's anything to say." Roy leaned on the open door nonetheless, waiting for more.

"I wanted to tell you. I knew-" Roy cut him off with a question, one that Kaldur was honestly surprised to hear.

"Did your parents know? Your real parents, the people that raised you. Or did they think you had just abandoned them for Manta?"

"I told them about the mission yes. But I wasn't supposed to." He shifted uncomfortably. It wasn't a difficult decision to make. He couldn't bear the thought of breaking his mother's heart like that, and Calvin deserved to know that in Kaldur's eyes he was his father, not Manta. He watched Roy nod slowly.

"Good." Not the answer Kaldur was expecting. "They don't deserve that. I didn't deserve that." Roy tried to ignore the fact it was getting harder to breathe, tried to ignore all the months of grief and pain that came flooding back. It wasn't an easy task. When Kaldur didn't say anything, Roy decided to keep going. "I don't know if anyone told you, but I relapsed about a week after you started your 'mission'."

Kaldur could feel a sob building up but refused to acknowledge it. "I was informed." He watched a sad smile cross Roy's lips.

"What I bet you don't know is, when I wasn't high, I had nightmares. When they weren't about Jade, they were about you. It's kinda funny the only two people I didn't cut out of my life after that New Years are the only two that kept me from sleeping."

"I am so s-"

"No. No, let me talk." His breath came out shaky, and it was becoming more and more difficult to look Kaldur in the eyes. "They'd always start off nice, you know?" He was crying, but he didn't bother wiping away the tears. "Usually it'd start off with us in my old kitchen, and you had just made me laugh for the first time in weeks after New Years. Do you remember that?"

"Yes."

"And I was so confused because, I thought I shouldn't be happy. I shouldn't be allowed to laugh. But it was just so easy when you where there. So I-" He took another unsteady breath and finally wiped some of the tears away before continuing. "So I, put my hands on the counter on either side of you, like I was going to kiss you, but, in-instead I told you _everything_."

"I remember." It was getting harder not to sob but Kaldur did his best not to break. He had done this to himself after all.

"And I begged you, I begged you, not to leave me alone that night. And you promised that you wouldn't. You said you would _never_ leave me. You said I didn't have to fight by myself." Roy gritted his teeth and finally looked away. This was all too much. He should have just closed the door.

"I know. I know what I promised." Tears were starting to well up in Kaldur's eyes despite his attempts to prevent them.

"But you didn't trust me enough not to ruin your little mission. So instead you broke your promise."

"That is not what happened." He was miserable and his words came out as more of a moan.

"Then what happened?!" Roy slammed his fist into the door. The sudden elevation in tone made Kaldur jump, and he wasn't sure what to say. His silence went unnoticed, though, because just a few seconds after Roy's outburst the sound of a baby crying echoed from the back of the apartment.

"Shit." It came out more of a breath while Roy pinched his nose. He motioned Kaldur inside, knowing the conversation wasn't over and if they came back to it later the situation would only be worse.

To say the apartment was shitty would have been an understatement. Kaldur looked around the tiny space while Roy went to check on the wailing. A large piece of drywall was missing just above the box TV- where did he even find one of those?- and the couch looked as if it would collapse any second. The tiny kitchen seemed to be more of a fire hazard than a place to cook, with appliances that had to be older than Garfield. A breakfast bar was barely attached to the kitchen wall and seemed to serve a dining room table. It was covered in what appeared to be textbooks, but Kaldur couldn't see from his spot by the door door.

The only things in the apartment that seemed to be in any working order were the handful of toys scattered throughout the apartment, and the play pen sitting in front of the couch. In fact anything that seemed to be Lian's, or for Lian, was practically pristine. Not that he was exactly surprised by that fact. Any money Roy was making was going to Lian, without a doubt. Kaldur couldn't help but wonder when the last time Roy ate a proper meal was.

He listened closely as Roy's voice mixed with the sounds of a sobbing child in the back of the apartment. At first he couldn't make out any words but once the child had calmed some, he could tell Roy was singing. A breath caught in Kaldur's throat, not for the first time tonight, when he made out the song. _"Don't Cry For Me Argentina"_. Under different circumstances he probably would have laughed. Roy had always been a fan of musical theater, well music in general really, but wasn't one to talk much about it.

 _"It's because I don't want the terrible duo making fun of me." Roy had been cooking and ended up flinging pasta sauce across Donna's small kitchen, because he had a habit of talking with his hands. Kaldur had tried to suppress a laugh, but Donna didn't even do that much._

 _"It's all in good fun, Roy." Donna grinned at him, moving to get a wet paper towel to clean his mess._

 _"It's annoying."_

That was such a long time ago. Gods, it was hard to believe how long ago that was.

"So, I chose freedom…" Roy's voice bounced off the thin walls. He really could sing well, and now that Lian had stopped sobbing Kaldur could hear clearly. He couldn't believe Roy was serious.

 _Roy had been flipping through the channels and had landed on_ _"Evita",_ _upon hearing Kaldur had never seen, and more importantly_ heard _, it he left it on. They watched it in mostly silence, with Roy occasionally interjecting with commentary, until_ _"Don't Cry For Me Argentina"_ _started._

 _"If I ever have kids, I'm not going to sing them lullabies when they cry, I'm going to sing them this." Kaldur had laughed then, it seemed like a ridiculous notion, but of course Roy had been serious._

Kaldur clasped his hand around his mouth, the sob had returned and this time he couldn't fight it. Actually he didn't really want to fight it anymore, he was sick of being stone faced and stoic. Sick of the looks his friends gave him when they thought he couldn't see. Sick of being strong.

"The truth is I'll never leave you…" It was the last straw. He collapsed with a loud thud. He couldn't remember the last time he cried. It was well before Tula died, he was in too much shock to cry then. And once the shock had worn off it was replaced with anger, pure raw anger. Every fragile thing in his small home had been shattered and several noise complaints had been issued due to his yelling. But he didn't cry, which seemed rather odd in hindsight, because all he wanted to do for days was sob. But he put on a strong face and swallowed his pain.

Someone can only bury their pain for so long before it finally overflows. He had already lost one of his best friends, the thought of losing another was just too much. That along with the fact that this was his fault, that this could have been prevented if he had just let Roy know the plan, it was no wonder he finally broke. He didn't even notice Roy had rushed back into the room after he heard Kaldur hit the ground.

Roy couldn't believe his eyes. And here he thought Kaldur couldn't break his heart anymore. Placing Lian in the play pen, Roy moved to pull Kaldur into his lap. The sobbing man didn't fight him and instead wrapped his arms around Roy's waist. His body shook violently with each sob and Roy did his best to fight back his own tears. He ran his hand over the back of Kaldur's head, he wasn't used to being the one comforting. He was always being comforted, not exactly fair when he thought about it. He had no idea how long they sat like that, but eventually the sobbing stopped. Neither of them moved until Kaldur finally spoke.

"I have no right to ask for your forgiveness…but…I'm doing it anyway…please…I've lost Tula, and my team, and possibly my home…please don't let me lose you too…"

"I don't know what to say." It was sucky answer but unfortunately it was the truth. He wished he could throw him out and tell him to never come back. He wished he could say all is forgiven and act as if none of it happened. But those nightmares, those goddamn beautiful and painful nightmares, still played over and over in the back of his head making the decision much more difficult.

"I understand." Kaldur sat up, wiping his face with the ball of his hand. He moved to stand and leave, but Roy caught his wrist.

"I don't want to cut ties…but I'm still so _mad_. You, _all_ of you, hurt so many people, hurt me. I want to say that I forgive you but, I don't think I ever…can." He stared at the dingy carpet and waited for a response.

"Then…then do not. Do not forgive me, but…maybe…someday we can be friends again?"

"I'd like that. But for now I think you should go…"

He was kind of disappointed that Roy hadn't introduced him to Lian, who was staring at him with fascination, but knew better than to ask. He made it to the door but held back. Now that he was finally inside he didn't want to leave. Not mention he still had one question.

"Roy?"

"Hmm?"

"Your nightmare, how did it end?"

Roy subconsciously ran his fingers over the scars that lined the inside of his arm, a small sick smile played on his lips. "You don't want to know."

"Alright." And with that Kaldur was gone, as if he had never been there at all.


	2. Chapter 2

The air was heavy with sex and tension, which made it hard to breathe. Laying back to back, as far away from each other as they could while still being on the bed, and one thing was perfectly clear; they were both complete idiots. At least it was clear to Roy, he had no idea if it was clear to Kaldur, though it probably was. Roy looked for _something_ to say-if only to break the silence-but couldn't quite think of anything.

The uncomfortable silence was fine with Kaldur though, as it gave him a chance to think. In particular, it gave him a chance to think about how the _hell_ they ended up in this situation. It felt surreal, considering a little over a week ago he had a complete emotional breakdown in Roy's living room and the two hadn't seen each other since. He hadn't been sure if they would ever see each other again after that. The situation was so strange, ignoring it seemed to be the best option. Which is why when Roy called earlier that evening, he almost didn't answer because he was sure it was an accident.

" _Hey Kal…" It didn't quite seem like the end of the sentence, but he didn't say anymore._

" _Hello." Kal could tell the few people in the room, the "freshmen" as Connor so elegantly put it, were staring at him intently. He couldn't help but wonder if it was in fascination or distrust._

" _So Ollie took Li shopping, and I have some free time. If you want to come over and talk, I guess now's the best time." Kal looked up from the table, which resulted in the Freshmen all adverting their eyesight. Awkward with one, who you used to know like the back of your hand? Or awkward with a large group, who you really don't know that well at all? Easy choice._

" _I can come over whenever."_

This certainly wasn't what he was expecting to happen, and he could probably say the same for Roy. The events unfolded in a disjointed way, like things usually did now, and he could only remember them in pieces. He remembered standing in the living room, neither quite looking each other in the eye, and neither speaking. He remembered opening his mouth to say something, but not quite finding the words but placing his hand on Roy's shoulders none the less. They finally made eye contact at that. Then they were in the claustrophobic hallway, his back against the wall and Roy's mouth on his neck. Then the bedroom, clothes forgotten along the way, and the bed let out a loud whine when they laid down. He wasn't sure it could hold the weight of one person simply sleeping, let alone anything other than that, but it held. And then where they were now, back to back, panting, completely convinced that they were both was a massive fools.

"This was a mistake." Roy's mouth was dry, and his throat was sore, which made his words come out rather gruff.

"Yes." Kaldur's response was so quiet Roy wasn't sure he hadn't imagined it. So much for that angle of conversation. The silence continued for a few more painstaking minutes.

"How are you?"

"What?" Kaldur seemed legitimately surprised by the question.

"How are you?"

At first Kal didn't speak, and when he did he ignored the question altogether. "You should get some water, you sound hoarse."

"So you _aren't_ going to answer the question?"

"I don't know why you asked, honestly."

"Because no one else has." Kaldur's stomach turned to ice at Roy's statement. It was the truth, but it was a truth Kaldur had opted to ignore. Everyone was dealing with so much that he convinced himself they hadn't had a chance. Which he knew wasn't true, even when he was on good terms with everybody they barely remembered to ask. He always presented himself as if he had everything under control, so everyone assumed he did. And when it was obvious that he didn't, it was surreal to them so they didn't know how to react, which usually led to an air of discomfort. If it wasn't for Roy understanding how _broken_ Kaldur actually was, then Kaldur probably would have been driven mad from loneliness a long time ago.

"I'm miserable."

"Figured. Want to talk?"

"I thought you were mad at me?"

"I'm livid. And I _hate_ you, _all_ of you, for that harebrained scheme." He held his breath for a second before continuing. "But I can't ignore that in the long run you did help a lot of people. And I can't ignore that I do, despite everything, still _love_ all of you. And you do need to talk to someone." He shifted a little but didn't roll over. He knew that he probably shouldn't have used the words "hate" or "love" but it was true.

"I'm sorry."

"Why?"

"I don't know this time."

Roy let out a little _humph_ at that one. Under different, less awkward circumstances he probably would have smiled at that, probably have pulled him into a hug too. But he didn't move, and his face remained stoic.

"You don't have to apologize, if you don't know why you're apologizing."

"I feel like I should apologize to everyone, for everything."

"It's called guilt."

"I know that." He tugged on the sheet, waiting for a response. When it didn't come he, decided to keep talking. "I'm lonely, and… _numb_ is the best word I think…"

"Numb?"

"Yes. I can't seem to be happy, which I expected somewhat, but even Artemis can laugh sometimes, even after everything. Things I used to thoroughly enjoy, seem boring to me, and that's when I can bring myself to do them at all."

Roy let out a thoughtful sigh before finally rolling over. There were new scars on Kal's back that he didn't recognize, but he didn't say anything about them.

"Days seem longer too, Roy. Like everything is going slower, and I'm tired all the time. And frustrated at everyone, and everything. I want to scream at every little noise, but don't have the energy." As he talked his breathing became shallow. Actually saying it all out loud seemed crazy, but it also felt like a relief in some odd way. "And sometimes, horrible thoughts come into my head that I can't shake away-"

"Don't kill yourself."

" _What?_ "

"Get help. Professional help. Otherwise this is going to get worse, and you're going to make the wrong move out on the field. Or do something stupid off the field. It'll end up killing you. Find a therapist or something. "

"I don't think-"

"I don't care. Promise me, you'll get help?"

"I…I promise." Kaldur felt his stomach twist, certainly not the direction he thought this conversation was going. It seemed rather random too, but realizing he was describing what probably sounded like clinical depression he figured it wasn't too drastic a leap. Suddenly he felt a little grateful, he wondered if it would be inappropriate to roll over and wrap his arms around his once best friend. Considering their current position, naked in a bed that was barely being held together, and covered in fresh bruises, appropriate seemed to have left the party a while ago.

Roy seemed surprised by the action but didn't protest. It was still awkward but, less so perhaps. Granted they both knew the next time they saw each other after this, things would probably be worse. But they could burn that bridge when they got to it.


End file.
